It’s especially easy for discussion or disagreements between parents to get inadvertently personal during the holidays when things are generally busier and more stressful than usual.
This is especially true for parents after a divorce. During the holidays, you and your ex may need to discuss more issues; make a lot more decisions, and do so more quickly than normal. This can add stress to a holiday season already fraught with family, money and religious issues. When under stress, what might normally be a fairly mundane discussion can get very personal very quickly
Usually, you can resolve issues fairly easily, however, during the stress of the holiday, even a minor disagreement can escalate quickly. While you may usually be able to build off of each other’s points of view, and come up with creative solutions together, the stress of the holidays can short circuit that.
So, if your discussion starts to get personal — if you make something personal or take something personally — then one of two things is going to happen to derail your best efforts:
- You’ll stop the discussion to preserve your relationship; or
- Your discussion will become about defending yourself; at which point it is no longer about the issue, and feelings often get hurt.
The sooner you can identify that a conversation has gotten personal the sooner you can salvage it, give it space, and eventually make it productive again.
There are a few surefire signs that things have gotten personal, meaning that the conversation is no longer primarily about the same goal for both of you:
- Reluctance to thank the other person. When you can’t bring yourself to express gratitude for another person’s point of view, you’re making it personal or taking it personally.
- Reducing the other person to a label, category, or trait. When name-calling begins, you’re making it about the person, not about the topic. And when you’re called a name, it becomes very hard not to take things personally and you start to debate from a defensive posture.
- Conflating people with their ideas. When you tie the other person to their idea, it’s personal. This immediately happens when you use the other person’s identity in order to refute their argument. (“You Liberals always say that.” “Of course, a Salesperson would think that.”)
- When one of you is trying to “win.” “I have 30 years of experience, so I’m right.” “I care the most about this.” “My ass is on the line, so we should go with my plan.” These kinds of statements are a sure sign that someone’s trying to “win” on personal grounds, and whether or not they’re taking this conversation personally, they’re making it personal.
Once you start noticing these things, it’s hard not to see them.
When you notice yourself—or your ex—starting to do any of these things, it’s time to step back, give some time and space, breathe, and refocus on what really matters. And clear the air if you need to.
But the real challenge is to prevent things from getting needlessly personal in the first place, especially during the holidays when circumstances are stressful.
I can assist with your Divorce or Post Divorce issues. My Mediation and Collaborative Divorce Practice can help you resolve co-parenting issues during the holidays and throughout the year. Please contact me at 203-544-9945 or beth@eedwardslaw.com.
